Little Blog Of Rants

What's good for the goose

2011-11-23T21:16:00.001Z

Prime Ministers Questions today, and what a horrible thing that has become with the sneering public-school bullies on the government front bench. The topic of strikes was brought up in carefully placed questions by backbench lackeys with designs on a proper job, to which the Prime Minister said:
"Most of them did not vote for this. Only a quarter of union members backed industrial action"

Now. Some maths. Turnout at the last election was 65% - which wasn't bad actually, especially given the mess the Commons was in after expenses and all that. The Conservatives polled 36.1% of votes cast which means that 23.47% of all registered voters considered them their preference. That's less than a quarter. So by that logic, should the oft-mooted idea of making strike ballots illegitimate unless there's a minimum of 50% of registered voters back it - as opposed to a simple majority at present - then the same should apply when electing our governments. But wait, that was what AV was all about and who was the biggest voice against that? Oh yes, the Conservative party.

Also, the hated NHS bill wasn't in anyone's manifesto at the last election, so therefore absolutely NOBODY voted for that, but it seems it's headed for the statute book anyway. Yay for democracy!

Elsewhere in his denunciation of the rights of workers to withdraw their labour as a last resort in an industrial dispute, Cameron urged members to defy the strikes to avoid inflicting "pain" on hardworking people "who pay your wages". This is a common rhetorical ruse to make it sound like public sector workers don't pay tax and are all take, take, take. We don't "pay their wages", we pay general taxation, some of which goes towards paying for public services - things which are for the support and betterment of society - and those people who are paid to provide those services are also paying into the same general taxation pot. The completely unaccountable Taxpayers Alliance are big fans of this rhetoric as are many on the right, but the use of the pejorative figure, "The Taxpayer", has entered common parlance these days, as if everything that comes out of the public purse is the responsibility of a person rather than society as a whole. It's a cheap trick, but sadly it seems to work.

All-purpose article for the local rag

2011-11-03T19:20:00.003Z

This is one of dozens of articles such as this that have appeared in the local rag since the last general election.Here's another. And so on. Etc.So far, so banal.
In the interests of helping out - kindly soul that I am, call me Mr Big Society - I thought the Examiner could use a cover-all article to insert into their pages whenever Jason McCartney pops his head out to say hello. So here it is:

Colne Valley MP Jason McCartney visited a local pub/petting zoo/football match today to show his support
for/condemn cuts to services. "It's heartening/disgusting to see these hard-working families/layabouts doing so
much/little for the local community" said the former Calendar newsreader.

"I'm here at this church fete/disused warehouse/pie shop to totally support/denounce the latest proposals coming from Whitehall. Local people do/don't need a civil servant to decide what's best for them" he continued as he tried on a fireman's helmet/had yet another photo taken."But one thing is clear; striking/protesting is not the answer".

"He was on the telly, so I voted for him", said one local resident.

Agent of change

2011-10-19T12:51:00.002Z

I've had a funny old year work-wise insofar as I've now changed jobs - reasons too long and boring to go into here - twice. The first time took three months from leaving one to finding another, a period in which I sent out about 150 applications. The second time took two months and about 120 applications. Both times, I managed to get one interview from all those applications and by some twist of luck and fate, the one interview was enough.
What was different about both of those was that the application went to the company directly without the use of a recruitment agency.
There's a moral in the story there somewhere.

Dilemma

2011-10-19T12:46:00.002Z

The Stone Roses are reforming and playing a couple of gigs not that far away. This is quite a big deal as they were bloody marvellous. So how to decide whether to go or not. Only one thing for it: lists.

AGAINST

Ian Brown never could sing
At £55 a ticket, it's a lot of money
It'll be full of blokes my age trying very hard to cling to last vestiges of youth, fruitlessly
It's a cynical exercise that serves only to pay off the mortgage/tax bills of some middle age men

FOR

It's the Stone Roses and they could well fall out again mid-song and that'd be funny

In short then, still not sure...

The obvious answer

2011-10-18T11:21:00.000Z

'Government to tackle energy price rises' said the headlines yesterday. I'll confess to not reading on after that as it should be obvious what the body of the story was. The one sure-fire way to reduce energy costs is to nationalise the whole industry thereby removing the profit motive from the whole operation. So that's good news then isn't it.

What?
They're not doing that?
Oh for fucks sake...

Listing heavily

2011-10-14T13:23:00.000Z

So many things are going through my head that I can't quite focus my on any one thing. There's only one remedy for that and that's to make lists.

Things that are really winding me up:

Prices up 18%, profit margins up 733% in the same period. I maintain that anything you consider fundamental to your way of life - and taking electricity away would require a massive change in the way we all live - should be a public service, not a profit motive
Liam Fox, up to his fucking eyes on it
Oliver Letwin and his inability to shred
Unelected body passing mandate-free legislation to destroy something good that everyone benefits from
The BCCI
Libraries - it's not libraries themselves that annoy, rather the short-sighted closure thereof. They'll be extremely difficult to get back once they're gone.
Ian Duncan Smith's intemperate language as people who are bearing the brunt of someone else's problem take a stance
Another £75bn of QE that we won't get back
The failure of the Charities Commission's challenge to private schools regarding charity status and the fact they serve no charitable purpose at all, just use it as a tax dodge
Ian Ayre and Liverpool FC for their 'I'm alright Jack' attitude. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on
Cuts to our national broadcaster. If - a big if - you accept the need for cutbacks, then the things that other broadcasters do, and do well like talent shows, should be first to go and the things that other broadcasters can't/won't do should stay. Like BBC4, BBC6music, county cricket commentaries and many other things.

Things I'm not annoyed about:

The Blackberry outage. It was mildly inconvenient not being able to check twitter while I was in the pub on Tuesday night, but you know what, I managed.
Wayne Rooney's ban. Couldn't give a flying one

Things I'm actively happy about:

National Curry Week. I've been making my own
Oktoberfest

And breathe.

Won't get fooled again

2011-10-07T11:27:00.001Z

A friend of mine* is an inveterate gambler. Horses, mainly, and every now and then he'll share one of his absolutely red-hot tips with everyone down the pub. At first, you'd listen intently, note the name of the nag on which his giro will be going this week, perhaps even put a couple of quid on it yourself. Occasionally, it would win, but those times were very much a rarity. More often than not, it'd limp over the line a couple of hours after the rest of the field and be so poor that you begin to think that you've been caught up in a massive scam. Eventually, you stop listening. At best, you'll nod and say "Yes, Limpy Geoff. 100/30. I'll get right on it" while having no intention of doing so.

Basically, this chap is behaving like a credit rating agency. After they told everyone that collateralised debt obligations - fancy packaged debt with lashings of sub-prime mortgage gravy - were a sure thing, what we should have done was stop listening, go put some more coins down on the pool table and leave them wittering away into their pints of cheap bitter. Instead, however, the world still hangs on the every word issued by these unaccountable institutions and panics/relaxes on the strength of how bad/good the news is. How anything or anyone who has proved to be so badly wrong in it's judgements and predictions is credited with so much trust is staggering.

* - I have no such friend. I made him up, but the point stands.

A square yet to be circled

2011-10-01T10:59:00.002Z

Help me out. How can these notions - lose unemployment benefit if you are deemed not to be looking hard enough for work and making it easier to sack people - exist in the same brain of an individual? They surely cannot be compatible.

Who's teaching your kids?

2011-09-29T08:55:00.001Z

The answer to that question may very easily be: nobody.
Surprised? You shouldn't be. It's been like this for approaching two years and is, I think, nothing short of a scandal and one that nobody seems to be aware of.
The rules changed under the last government. If there is an absence in teaching staff of less than two weeks, schools are no longer obliged to bring in a teacher to cover. Instead, they can employ what are known as cover supervisors. These do not have to be qualified educationalists - indeed, should a qualified person take on this role, they are under strict instruction not to teach - and are paid slightly above minimum wage. Their role is, basically, to make sure the kids don't kill each other, to do the work set for them with minimal disruption. Crowd control, essentially.
I'm not a parent - not about to be either - but were a child of mine to spend up to two weeks at a time not being taught anything, I'd be absolutely furious. This practise seems to have slipped under the radar. I only know about it as my significant other earns a wage as a supply teacher and her opportunities to work have been severely reduced as a result. Yes, this means I have a vested interest, but it's not that which riles me so. I think we're letting down an entire generation by allowing this to continue and that's way more important than what brand of food our cat gets this week.
So, parents. Find out how much time the pupils at your child's school spend being supervised rather than taught. Kick up a fuss. And let me know how it goes.

ProGlide Challenge

2011-09-13T11:33:00.003Z

Why does everything have to be a mission or a challenge in modern television advertising? Gillette are the current focus of my ire for their Fusion ProGlide challenge in which a bunch of blokes jump out of the back of a van and storm the changing rooms in a gym. This is already suspicious enough.

In there, three hapless stooges are shaving. Now, as anyone who knows me will attest, I'm not familiar with the inner workings of a gymnasium, but is shaving in the changing rooms that common? I suspect not, but would welcome insight from someone better informed. These shavers all seem to have dull blades, complaining as they do about the never-before-mentioned phenomenon of 'tug and pull'. Needless to say, adopting the new mega-blade razor solves this problem and all is well with the world.
But no. What those blokes are experiencing is a blunt razor. Put a new blade in and you'll be sorted boys. Or, if you're using disposables, lob it and get a fresh one out. You don't need five blades and an aloe vera moisturising strip. If your face is wet and you've got soap on it, it will neither tug nor pull unless you're trying to shave whilst wearing boxing gloves. And you don't need some weirdo and his mates bursting out of the back of a van to tell you that.

Never wrong

2011-09-08T08:36:00.002Z

I have worked out the right's tactics, both here in Blighty and in the States. Probably elsewhere too, but we don't get to hear too much about that here.

Anyway, in attempting to never be wrong, they simply contradict themselves at every turn. 250 vote defeat in the Commons? Claim it as a win. Virulently anti-abortion? Claim you're pro-choice. Not got the support of any major medical union for your reforms of the NHS? Claim that you do with enough bluster as to make it sound believable. Free-marketeer? Claim welfare is a Ponzi scheme.

And on it goes.
The coalition government in the UK and the Republicans in the US are both masters of this, presumably on the basis that once it's written about, it can't be unwritten no matter how many contradictions are subsequently published. It's a cynical and depressing tactic and that's why it has a greater than 60% chance of working.

Misanthropic moments

2011-04-07T11:47:00.001Z

Some days, I wake up and see the world like this:

A march to save satire

2011-04-05T11:19:00.003Z

The current government couldn't have been a more cartoonish set of old Etonians if they tried. Every policy is out of the Hooded Claw book of evil plans and every public utterance so unbelievably crass - witness Oliver Letwin's comments about people from Sheffield and holidays - that it's impossible to satirise.

Their supporters, too, are equally in on the act. Witness the pro-cuts rally whereby people who are completely unaffected by debt campaign against debt while condemning future students to enormous debt.

What they've done is take satire in-house, rendering thousands of satirists redundant. Those communities that rely on satire as their principle source of income are being hit tremendously hard. Satire mines and processing factories are closing at an alarming rate with no regard to the knock-on effects for the overall economy. If it continues at this rate, this country will be a net importer of satire well before the end of this parliament and, as we've seen with manufacturing, once those skills are lost, it's incredibly difficult to get them back.

I therefore propose a march to save satire from these people who don't really know what they're doing with it. The government and their supporters must be forced to use flowery, obfuscating language so satirists can go about their business as before and not be reduced to pointing at headlines going "look. Just... look".

Fencing

2010-02-22T21:22:00.002Z

My brother in-law and I built a fence. Without exception, the finest fence built in the YO30 postal code area on Saturday February 20, 2010. Possibly.

There now follows a short film:

Resolution

2010-01-31T11:09:00.003Z

I'm not one for New Years resolutions. I don't think I've ever made one, or at least if I have, I can't remember ever having done so. The fact I'm making this one a whole month into the year means it's not a whim, something I have no chance of succeeding with. I've thought about this.

I've long been concerned with the amount of food the British public chucks out. I'm sure I heard one report that said we chuck away a third of the stuff we buy. That sounds a bit high, but it points out an area we can all do better in. Last week, we got a very good value pack of 24 bread rolls. With no room in the freezer, they had to stay out until room could be found. This morning, I had to chuck 19 of them away, so covered in mould are they. This is not on. I hereby resolve to chuck as little as possible away and compost that which I have to.

Check back a year from now to see how it's going.

Sums

2010-01-29T12:53:00.003Z

Ashley Cole, professional obnoxious footballer, has been banned from driving and handed a £1000 fine after being found guilty of driving at over 100mph in a 50mph zone. Cole's barristers have asked for 21 days for him to pay.

Now, in his not-very-much feted autobiography, Cole describes how Arsenal's offer of £60,000 per week - up from his previous deal of £55,000 - caused him to almost swerve off the road when his agent told him about it, reacting with the phrase "they're taking the piss". He subsequently moved to Chelsea, presumably for many more used fifties per week.

So, even at the £60,000 per week he claimed was a piss-take, it would take him three hours, seven and a half minutes to earn £1000 (assuming a 37.5 hour week, 5 days per week). So why the 21 day request (which barristers did laugh at, according to that report)?

I expect a question along these lines to be on the next maths GCSE

The fabric of the universe is in peril

2010-01-29T09:59:00.004Z

Tony Blair - remember him? - is to give evidence today to the Chilcott inquiry. Prior to the event, the front page of the Guardian says that Blair is expected to defend the actions leading to war thusly: even though Saddam Hussein didn't have weapons of mass destruction, had the US and UK backed down from military threats, he would have been emboldened to acquire them.
This simply does not add up and represents a twist in logic so severe that it could rip a hole in the space-time continuum that places the entirety of the universe in extreme peril. This man must be stopped.

Fin d'année

2009-12-31T13:40:00.003Z

Every media outlet has been doing end of the year/decade bits for a while now. Not being one to not follow a trend, I may as well join in.
Well I've been busy pretty much all year, so haven't been paying a huge amount of attention. Silvio Berlusconi has been as depressingly entertaining as usual, but accounts of repeated bombings in Peshawar described by a local as "normal" was chilling as it was disturbing. Musically, I'm as out of touch more than ever and reckon the best album of the year is the cricket themed Duckworth Lewis Method and that, inevitably, leads to my sphere of knowledge: sport.
Stuart Broad and Graeme Swann were both brilliant throughout the year and ride high in the world rankings as a result. Not many great bowlers remain and these two could be around for a while yet. As will Thomas Bosc who scored one of the great tries of this and any other years in the big derby down in Perpignan, sadly not on youtube. Having spent so much time watching European football, one cannot fail to be impressed by Yoann Gourcuff's brilliance against PSG, but the highlight of the year was the final nail in Bayern's coffin away at eventual Bundesliga champions Wolfsburg. Gooooooollllllllll

I've some exciting things in the pipeline for next year, but we'll see how that pans out before getting too carried away. Happy new year all.

What's left to believe in?

2009-12-17T18:36:00.003Z

This decade in sport has been largely defined by massive amounts of sometimes hugely elaborate cheating. Balco, fake blood, deliberately crashing cars into walls at ridiculous speeds, the whole gamut of cheating in sport has been taken to extremes over the past ten years. There is no 2000 Olympic women's 100m gold medallist either, given Marion Jones's involvement with Balco and the woman who came second, Katherina Thanou, not getting the upgrade thanks to her own drug-related incident from Athens four years later.

I thought the nadir had been reached when it was revealed earlier this year that the New Zealand lawn bowls team were embroiled in a match-fixing row. They didn't even have cash from a Malaysian betting syndicate riding on it, rather they took a dive so that Canada couldn't qualify for the next round. But the biscuit was well and truly taken this week by the rows surrounding the world pie-eating championships. First, the use of non-Wigan pies has caused outrage among competition veterans, but the big story is in the banning of gravy for this year's event. Apparently, competitors had been adding cough medicine to their own gravy in order to make it easy to ram as much pasty/meat combo down your gullet as quickly as possible.

If you can't trust people to eat pies in stupidly short times with honesty and as much dignity as it's possible to have in such circumstances, then what is there left to believe in?

Disturbing headline

2009-12-14T20:11:00.003Z

There's a headline on the BBC News website that says "Will [Simon] Cowell bring the X factor to the General Election campaign?"
Let's hope not. The last thing we want is politicians recycling old material like some sort of political karaoke and less than 30% of available numbers to participate. The very fact anyone is even talking about Simon Cowell and the forthcoming election in the same context is deeply disturbing.

Smacked in the leathery face

2009-12-14T14:20:00.003Z

A 73-year old man was assaulted in Milan on Sunday, suffering broken teeth and a fracture to the nose. This would normally be bad news and one that could lead to discussions about societal decline and all that malarkey.

This is different, however, as the 73-year old in question is Silvio Berlusconi. That man is a sympathy vacuum, as well as being a crook of quite incredible proportions. It would be striking how little the expression on his face seemed to have changed after being smacked in the face, but he's so botoxed up these days that it comes as no surprise. Indeed, he probably didn't feel anything anyway.

He was hit in the face by a souvenir model of Milan cathedral, which in itself has to mean something. The assailant must explain himself, otherwise we'll have to assume he's an architecture fan who was vehement in his views that the sheer majesty of the building strikes you right between the eyes.

Giving the tough interviews

2009-12-14T14:00:00.002Z

Tony Blair: remember him? Sadly for most of us, the answer is yes. And he's doing his best to remind the rest of us by doing the TV interview circuit. Yesterday, he was on the BBC answering all the tough questions as he faced down one of the country's top interviewers. Tougher than Paxman or Humphreys, he opted to tell all to Fern Britton, former host of This Morning.

In this interview, he revealed that he would have gone to war in Iraq no matter what the evidence on weapons of mass destruction saying he would have found another excuse if needed. Oh boy. Where does one start?

Here's a good place to start: he did need another excuse as the weapons one was very quickly revealed to be the horse manure that it smelled of. Over-ruling Hans Blix stank at the time and so it proved. "I'm a pretty straight kind of guy", Blair once told the world's media. If so, then he may at least have had the balls to tell Fern Britton that as soon as Bush junior started appointing his daddy's old golfing buddies in key roles - roles they served when Bush senior first had a crack at Iraq - the it was pretty much fait accompli.

But what is more interesting is the reaction of the country's media. It's been a deafening silence with the only voices striving to be heard by people involved in the Blair administration who are scrambling to distance themselves from any fallout that may yet arise as the Chilcott inquiry rumbles on. Everybody else seems to be of an opinion that can best be summed up as "yeah, we worked that out years ago".

Lazy

2009-12-03T17:13:00.003Z

I like a bit of Kraftwerk. So does my cat, actually. She was transfixed by the video to Radioactivity when it was on TV the other day. I prefer this one myself.
However, the following performance is the equivalent of a DJ putting on a 13-minute remix while he nips out for a fag and a drink.

Adequate

2009-12-03T16:44:00.003Z

It's a simple word is 'adequate'. Quite adequately, it sums up what it is to be of an acceptable level. Except in government circles, that is.
Today, it's reported that one in four care homes for the elderly is rated adequate. Any normal person would think that's OK, but with obvious room for improvement. Not so. Criticism for being merely adequate rages, not just in care, but also education where teachers receiving an adequate rating are made to feel bottom of the tree.
I'm not arguing that standards shouldn't be pushed up, but use terms that mean what they say. If things are sub-standard, say so. Don't call them adequate if what you mean is that they're not. I'm making a stand for language.

RBS: Regal Bull Shit

2009-12-03T16:39:00.002Z

On the news this morning, it was suggested by RBS directors that they'd be forced to resign en masse should government - the 80+% owner of the bank - tells it not to pay out the £1.5bn in bonuses that the bank is planning. Vince Cable said that if he were chancellor, he'd be accepting those resignations as they arrived, politician speak for "well fuck right off then". And rightly so. Profits are only being maintained thanks to the recapitalisation process, a process which has cost the nation's purse tens of billions of pounds. If you can reward folk for driving their bank into the biggest pile of financial horse shit in living memory, the I don't fully understand the concept.

Dubai-bye

2009-11-27T19:36:00.003Z

I can't help feeling a sense of schadenfreude about the demise of Dubai. Unlike it's fellow Emirates in the UAE, it doesn't have any oil. It doesn't really have anything except gaudy baubles built by labour verging on, if not beyond, slavery, a dubious - at best - record on human rights and only a flimsy relationship with democracy and press freedom.
The feeling of satisfaction that the house of cards is falling is tempered by the treatment of imported labour now going unpaid and unable to leave the place. Just don't expect any of the host of international celebrities with property out there to bring it up.

Floody hell

2009-11-25T18:32:00.004Z

It doesn't look great up Cumbria. Up to their necks in water, bridges washed out and all the other associated fun and games that come with winter floods have been making life a misery for a week or so now. The problem now lies that the main issues are only just beginning.

Houses take a long time to dry out and only then can work begin to put things right, but that time is as nothing compared to the agonising wait you can have for insurers. I was working in Hull today, a city which was underwater about three years ago. Some folk are still not back in their houses, according to the front page of the local rag, and one person I visited is still waiting for work doing on her house, though it is at least habitable.

Good luck with all that's coming in the next weeks and months, Cumbrians. Let's hope it's not years, but brace yourselves.

Don't write about nothing

2009-11-20T19:32:00.002Z

Hello again.

My ire has been spiked enough that the 140 characters available on Twitter don't seem enough.
On leafing through the paper today, I noticed an advert for a large high street retailer which was advertising Miley Cyrus's autobiography. It really does exist.

My problem is not with Mme Cyrus herself. Here's the thing: she's sixteen. Sixteen years of age. There is no way that anyone has done enough by that age to warrant an entire book. Maybe Mozart, but he's very much an exception.

The only way this will work as a book is if every page has written upon it "I haven't really done anything yet".

Christmas comes early to Leeds

2009-06-09T15:38:00.000Z

Trying to calm down

2009-06-08T16:15:00.004Z

The elections last week were amazingly depressing. Despite their share of teh vote going down a little bit, nazi twats the BNP managed to get two MEPs as tens of thousands of people simply failed to vote. Cheers for that. Really appreciate it. Yorkshire and Humber is one of the regions that will be represented in Brussels by a fascist, Andrew Brons, noted former member of the National Front. Last time around, we were represented by Ukip, a whole other set of cranks and loons with an utter knob for a leader, but they're as nothing to this set of tossers.

In order to calm down, I went and sat on the sea front at Hornsea and watched the waves for a while. It worked for me, and maybe it will for you:

Use your vote, please

2009-06-03T21:12:00.003Z

It's election day tomorrow. The last time we had European elections, the turnout was 22%. If it gets within five points of that tomorrow, it'll be a minor miracle, such is the disillusionment felt across the country in the light of the expenses row that's pretty much hamstrung politics for a couple of weeks or more now (oh god please make it stop).

And that resultant apathy is completely understandable and reasonable and I expect the turnout to reflect it. However... There's always a however. When you get tiny turnouts, it means those on the fringes of serious politics suddenly get a louder voice than would otherwise be the case. Yes, the fascist twats of the BNP have been pushing their filth through letterboxes across the country and while I don't think Britain will actually return a jackbooted tosser to Brussels, any significant proportion of the vote will give them the oxygen of publicity that we could all do without. The oxygen of oxygen is too good for them, but there's not much that you or I can do about that. The publicity thing, however, we can. Please get out and vote. It is important, and any vote for someone other than the fascists is a vote for the freedoms we all hold dear.

Dear Manchester

2009-05-06T15:07:00.004Z

Hello Manchester. How you doing?

Now I know we've not always got on, mainly because it always bloody rains over by you, but I'd like you to hear me out. Later this year, you'll have the option to register interest for an ID card. Can I ask that you don't?

Here's what happens. You register an interest on a website and will then be told how to go about getting your card. Then you'll need to submit fingerprints and a photo and cough up some cash. This is capped at £30 for two years, but after that, don't worry. The home secretary says the final price will be "competitive". Difficult to see how she reaches that conclusion. If it's compulsory, then it's not very competitive at all, as there'd be no choice. If it's voluntary, then I'd suggest not getting a card would be more competitive as that would cost sod all.

If the scheme is ultimately to be voluntary, then there is no point anybody having a card, no matter what the reasoning behind the idea. And therein lies another point: just what are they for? The government quickly backed down from the counter-terrorism argument when it was pointed out that it was bollocks, so instead it's been marketed as an easier way to get hold of public services. But I don't believe that for one minute as this government, like others before it and no doubt many others after it as well, proposes these things for one purpose and ends up doing something completely different with them. Like using anti-terrorism laws to restrict peaceful protest or check up on families trying to get their kids into specific schools. Basically, I'd always check a calendar if someone in the government told me today was Wednesday (though in a Bank Holiday week, I always find it useful to check anyway, as you're always a bit disoriented by the Monday off).

Anyway, Manchester, the onus is on you. You're the guinea pig in this and if you do start signing up for this madcap scheme that's already cost us all billions, we're all going to have it inflicted upon us. So please don't.

Next, it's students opening bank accounts that will be offered them. Same goes for you, students. Please don't.

UK ends bilateral military aid to Colombia

2009-04-30T12:11:00.002Z

Britain has quietly ended nearly a decade of military aid to Colombia's armed forces after accusations of gross violations of human rights, including the murder of civilians who were shot and reported as guerrillas killed in combat.

The Colombian government was "extremely surprised" by the decision to cut off the bilateral cooperation programmes, the deputy defence minister, Sergio Jaramillo, told the Guardian.

Jaramillo didn't go on by not saying "I am very surprised. After all, Colombia's human rights record has been abysmal for decades, so why now? Britain did nothing when it was clear the Colombian government were in collusion with paramilitaries to stamp out trade unionism, so this move comes as something of a shock".

Load of old scrap

2009-04-25T11:11:00.002Z

One of the very, very few giveaways in last week's budget was the £2000 scrappage allowance, whereby owners of cars over ten years old, with a valid MoT and proof of ownership for at least a year can trade in their old motor for a new one whilst getting a grand off the government and a grand off the manufacturer of their new ride.

This is a very cunning way of looking like you're doing something to stimulate the car industry while actually costing next to bugger all.

As I see it, there are three main groups of people who own cars which are over ten years old.
There are those that buy new and run their cars into the ground before changing. These are probably the greenest of the bunch, what with being less responsible for the enormous energy costs of making cars than someone who continually trades in. This group may be swayed by the £2k on offer.
There are those who can only afford - or who choose - to buy second hand and, if their current whip is ten years old, would only be looking at something three/four years old as a replacement.
There are those whose ten-year old car was bought for what it is, a classic, say. For instance, the wife would dearly love an old MG. I'd quite like a late 70s/early 80s BMW. No scrappage scheme is going to tempt owners of stuff like that to trade in for a bland new Eurobox.

Besides, reports are already emerging that dealers have been steadily raising prices to cover their portion of the £2000 in anticipation of the scheme. So it's bollocks, really.

The hard life of the advertising creative

2009-04-07T11:34:00.002Z

It must be a hard life being a creative in advertising. I mean, all those hours trawling YouTube for a video you can pass off as your own - like the Berocca ad that is a pure rip-off of OK Go's video for Here It Goes Again - or tossing it off by saying "drumming gorilla" or some other random nonsense and hoping it will fly.

Anyway, I feel it my duty to point out that what was once the wonderful Magical Trevor is now a sad plug for Yellow Pages. For shame.

While I'm here...

2009-03-14T13:23:00.002Z

...and in the mood for some video action, here's a cracking version of a pretty good tune as it was with a suitably stylish video, clipped from Bande A Part.
Nouvelle Vague. Dance With Me.

Poets day

2009-03-14T12:59:00.004Z

Yes, today I finally get to go and see the legend that is John Cooper Clarke perform live. Having missed him a while back at Holmfirth, it's off to the Lawrence Batley Theatre to see the great man. I know I've gone about him before, but it's a decent excuse for a Saturday video:

That was off the Innes Book Of Records, Neil Innes being another underrated performer by the general populous.

Also on a poetry theme, I see that the poet laureate of Leeds, Mik Artistik, is soon to be playing in sunny Huddersfield on June 10. Quite looking forward to that too and here's why:

Economics

2009-03-06T14:25:00.003Z

Filled the van up a few moments ago and, as I was paying, there was a chap in the shop whining about the current financially straitened times we're experiencing and banging on about how hard it all is. Tip for you mate. Get rid of the AMG SL55 and try something more frugal and less like a dick substitute instead.

No superwoman

2009-02-28T10:27:00.003Z

A new billboard ad campaign features overrated Welsh chanteuse Duffy with a can of diet coke and the caption "I'm no superwoman".
No love, of course you're not. You're a corporate whore.

Torn

2009-02-13T20:26:00.000Z

It's worth supping in certain bars for the entertainment provided.

Best shoot-out ever

2009-02-13T19:41:00.002Z

It's York v Kiddy in the FA Trophy. The first game finished 1-1. So did the replay and the extra half hour didn't produce any more goals. Then this.

Awesome.
Tell me that penalties are a lottery. Go on. I dare you.

Best shopping list ever

2009-02-08T14:17:00.005Z

Supermarket shopping, as we all know, is easily identified with Danté's fifth circle of hell. Hence, I rarely subject myself to the misery. However, with the wife laid up with a broken toe, I had to go today. I made it clear I wasn't happy about it and needed a clear and exhaustive list of what we need and, if at all possible, in the order in which I'd go past the relevant items. And so I received this:

which is awesome.
All shopping lists should be like this.

(you may need to click on the picture to enlarge it in order to get the full effect)

Tastes like sick

2009-02-06T13:09:00.001Z

Having taken one bite from the sandwich lovingly prepared for me by my wife, I can inform you all that paté and pickle sandwiches taste like sick. Not quite as much like sick as the gobfuls of bile I endured after taking that one bite, but very, very similar. I am reliably informed that this was not the taste sensation she was aiming for when preparing said sandwich.

Makes me mad

2009-02-01T13:27:00.001Z

It's complete and utter arse gravy like this that made me recant my Catholicism. Words fail me

Proportionality

2009-02-01T13:19:00.002Z

The major issue over Israel's recent incursion - after months of blockades - into Gaza was the disproportionality of the response. At least they're being open about it now, but this is just going to go on and on. There's no apparent will to end it and that's frankly depressing.

Protesting about the wrong thing

2009-02-01T13:13:00.002Z

The spate of walkouts up and down the land has drawn plenty of comment, some of it justified and most of it borderline xenophobia. Everywhere I've heard it reported it's been that the protests are in opposition of foreign workers. That's not how it started and missing the point of what they ought to be protesting about. An Italian firm won a major construction contract at an oil refinery in Lincolnshire and said at the time that they wouldn't consider UK workers. That's the thing that's wrong, not the fact that foreign labour is being used at all.
Obviously, with folk being laid off all over the country, the issue is highlighted to a much larger degree than would otherwise be the case, but to have it turn into a debate over whether any foreign workers should be allowed into the country isn't helpful to anyone.

Andy Murray

2009-01-28T20:14:00.002Z

I've been out of the country for a few days, but can I safely presume that Andy Murray is back to being Scottish now?

Random things I've shouted at the telly in the last five minutes

2009-01-16T20:48:00.002Z

"Fuck off Hunniford"

The rise and fall of the fall and rise...

2009-01-14T18:32:00.004Z

It seems that UK Gold has been rebranded, unless G.O.L.D. is a completely new thing. Anyway, I chanced upon't the other day whilst at a loose end and settled down for a couple of episodes of the iconic Fall And Rise of Reginald Perrin. It's brilliant. It was then and it is now. Leonard Rossiter was fantastic, the writing sharp and I'm eternally grateful to my dad for letting me watch it when I was a kid.
And now I hear it's to be remade. With Martin Clunes. Nothing is sacred.

Another series that was supposed to be remade recently was The Prisoner. Utterly bonkers, but I love it. Sadly, Patrick McGoohan has died today. For shame.

Dear Iggy Pop

2009-01-11T14:33:00.001Z

What the hell happened? Are things so bad that you had to take that swiftcover ad? These straitened times must really be biting in the Pop household.
Where's you dignity man?

In 2008 I...

2009-01-09T23:49:00.003Z

...didn't hear Paul McCartney's 'Simply having a wonderful christmas time' at all. Not even once. I claim the record and hope to make it back-to-back abomination-free years.

Literal algebra

2009-01-09T22:41:00.001Z

If no win = no fee, then it follows that win = fee.
I think all ambulance chasers should be forced to add an extra line to their adverts. When they say 'no win, no fee', they must add 'win, fee'. Simple algebraic logic.

That's Conference!

2009-01-07T18:25:00.002Z

Despite the economic doom, gloom and gloomy doom, £20m still buys you a lot of stuff. It buys you almost all of Robbie Keane, for one. As the following video shows, especially the misses at 0:30 and 1:28, that means it buys you a striker who, at the moment at least, would look out of place in any league side.

Robbie Keane. That's Conference!
Meanwhile, York keeper Michael Ingham shows you what Conference football is really all about. Which is great because he's actually one of the better keepers in the division. He's a full international.

Had an accident in the last six months?

2009-01-07T18:03:00.007Z

Many years ago on long-since-defunct comedy website jinx.co.uk, they ran a series of spoof adverts. One favourite was for Macaulay Culkin's financial products for straight mortgage owners. The Home Alone no homo home owner loan. And there was the one pictured on the left here.

Well yes, I have had an accident. Within the last three weeks, in fact. The latter point does apply to me, but, sadly, it wasn't my fault, so despite Billy Murray's pleadings on any cable channel at least three times per ad break, Injury Lawyers 4 You will remain unphoned by me, whether they're real lawyers or not. Oh, and what does '100% lawyers, 100% compensation' even mean? I digress.
Travelling between hostelries on a recent Saturday night, I waved at a mate who was on the other side of the road, diverting my attention from the path I was travelling in - a path that was shortly to collide with a wall. I hit said wall, my glasses smashed and sliced my face to bits. There goes the Armani contract... I refuse to blame drink. I wasn't looking where I was going and even then, if my glasses hadn't shattered then there'd not have been a problem.
A trip to Huddersfield A&E was followed by a trip to Bradford maxilo-facial unit to get it all put back together. Here's a picture taken at A&E by the missus who was almost too patient with me. I think this will be my first album cover.
The stitches (12) came out last week, leaving a scar like an inverted F just under my right eye. It's a mess, but considering how close to my eye it was and how hard my cheekbone slammed into the wall, it could have been much, much worse.

Ninja Warrior

2009-01-07T17:55:00.002Z

We all remember the completely brilliant episode of Doctor Who that was Blink, don't we? I'll take that as a yes. Well it's not just weeping angels you want to be scared of. Try ninja warrior cats:

Hello

2008-12-27T14:55:00.003Z

Been a while. Since July, in fact. A lot's happened since then. Despite wars in Georgia and Congo, John Sergeant being rubbish at dancing dominated the news. Closer to home, the spectre of cancer reared it's ugly head. First the wife of my very best mate succumbed at the age of 37 and, a few days ago, so did my dad. It's a bugger is cancer. Utterly indiscriminate. It made for a sombre christmas round our way.

Anyway, 'appen I'll do a bit more on this in the future. Lord knows, there's enough to wind me up going on all the time. All these adverts offering squillions of percent off certain items in sales. Yes, I know you're desperate. Enough already. Oh, and that NatWest advert offering free advice (so long as you have one of their accounts). "Do you shop around for gas and electricity?" says adviser. "No" comes the response to which she says "well you should". That's not advice. That's bullying.

And to end on a cheery note, here's ex-City man Chris Iwelumo proving that you can take the man out of the Conference, but you can't take the Conference out of the man:

Chris Iwelumo: that's Conference.

That's Conference!

2008-07-05T11:35:00.001Z

Mario Gomez: That's Conference!

Apropos of nothing

2008-06-27T23:27:00.002Z

Just browsing and found this. Schizo Fun Addict's 'Dream of a Portugal keeper'. (Perhaps they mean this one; I don't know)

Groovy

Cured

2008-06-15T10:57:00.002Z

There is a new cure for stress related illnesses. It's called Allen Stanford's millions. One testimony from 'MT' of Taunton said "I was so ill, I could barely bring myself to leave the county, let alone travel overseas. But after one application of Stanford's millions, I feel fine and ready for a trip to the Carribbean".
Marvellous stuff is Stanford's millions.

Double header

2008-06-14T12:18:00.002Z

Some time ago, there was a radio discussion about film double headers, i.e. going to the flicks and watching two films with either a topical or amusing link. I've found the two films I wish to see in such a manner. Now it's a case of finding the appropriate venue.
In this order, I reckon Taxi To The Dark Side followed by Harold And Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay would make for a good afternoon.

The game

2008-06-14T11:44:00.002Z

It's been a funny old week.
First, we had the bizarre situation of the Conservatives making civil liberties arguments against a Labour government. This left many of us in a terrible tizz. How could it possibly have come to the point where, on a matter of principle - that of not banging people up without having the decency to tell them why for up to six weeks - it was the Tories that were speaking up on behalf of people, like me, who find the whole thing completely abhorrent.
That was then followed by David Davis's extraordinary manoeuvre of resigning his seat, forcing a bye-election over East Yorkshire way. Fortunately, the universe was restored in the wake of his resignation with a Tory talking head saying how 42 days wasn't the answer to the problem, but the Human Rights Act, which the Tories have pledged to abolish on getting into power. Muppets. Anyway, order restored and I could once again sleep soundly, safe in the knowledge that the Conservatives are still hateful idiots.
Neither the governement nor the major opposition parties - or UKIP - are fielding candidates against Davis. As far as the government are concerned, this was the only move possible, leaving Davis bellowing into the wind and denying him the opportunity for debate that he craves. Instead, Kelvin Mackenzie, former Sun head twat, who supports 420 day detention without charge according to a Radio 4 interview yesterday, is picking up the cudgels. I'd be half tempted to have a go myself if no other bugger is going to represent my views, if I had the money for a deposit and the inclination to spend time on the outskirts of Hull campaigning.

And then to Ireland, where the EU Lisbon reform treaty was rejected in a referendum following a lamentable yes campaign versus a thick fug of conflicting opinion and misinformation on the no side. Apparently, people were urged to vote no lest accepting the treaty meant that Ireland would be forced to legalise abortion, gay marriage and conscription to an EU army, not one proposal of which is in the treaty. That makes it virtually impossible to take it back to the electorate. If the Irish government want to go again, it has to be a different proposal on the ballot. This means that the treaty would have to be amended to scrub out the provisions that aren't there, which clearly can't happen. What a mess.
And further highlights why I wouldn't want any referendum on European issues in this country. For a start, we have a parliamentary democracy. We appoint people to make decisions on our behalf according to the ticket they stand on at election time. Second, the campaign would consist of the same two lobbies as we saw across the Irish Sea. On the one hand, you'd have the foaming mouthed right blustering "Europe? No! Never! They want to force us to rename Jerusalem artichokes as 'two-state solution artichokes'." On the other, like in Ireland, you'd have the yes lobby telling us "Look, it's complicated and explaining it to you would take ages. Just trust us. We know best". Which won't work either, no matter if it is actually true. Even before Iraq, trust in politicians was in short supply from the proles. Less so now. What a mess.

Alpine extravaganza

2008-06-07T11:13:00.003Z

The European Championships kick off today and, it may have escaped your attention, England aren't in 'em. The last time England failed to reach a major championships was back in 1994 when they arsed up qualifying for the World Cup in America. And it was brilliant. That was in part due to Ireland being in it and me being, for the major part of the tournament, in Ireland.
And John Aldridge swore a lot in front of millions of viewers:

No such Irish representation this time, nor Scotland, Wales or Norn Iron. Instead, we have 16 decent teams involved and it promises to be the usual feast of football without the ridiculous hype attached to England's failure to win on penalties in the quarter-finals. But football has changed since 1994 - or rather the change evident then has progressed exponentially. Players will be referred to as "Arsenal's Cesc Fabregas" or "new Spurs signing Luka Modric" or "ex-Everton winger Niclas Alexandersson" and that's really, really tedious. With no England there, it ought to be something for the football purist to enjoy, but continuous attempts to hook in the short of attention will spoil it. Similarly, the BBC's campaign to drum up a bit of interest from the passing punter by suggesting that one requires a team to support in order to get anything from it. Since when? For a start, that's more than slightly patronising. I shall be watching and no doubt enjoying most of it when commentators concentrate on the football and not the clubs the players are being linked with, especially as there's no Ian Wright.
Having said all that, up the Poland.

Best goal ever

2008-06-04T19:36:00.003Z

Apropos of a conversation the other day, just what is the best goal ever? Maradona's weaving run against England in 1986? Esteban Cambiasso on the end of a 26-pass Argentine move against Serbia in 2002? Ryan Giggs bursting Arsenal apart down the left in that cup semi-final replay? Nayim from the half-way line? Give up. You can keep all your long shots, lobs, chips, overheads, volleys and diving headers. Dennis Bergkamp. Three touches, all with the right foot. 1) Control. 2) Send the defender - Bobby Ayala, lest we forget - out for a paper. 3) Finish.

Beer of the week

2008-06-04T19:11:00.003Z

Been a while since I did one of these, but then I've not been on the unusual brews quite so much lately. And then Sunday. Whilst waiting to be served, and having made my mind up, my eye was distracted. What's that you say? Goldilocks Yorkshire lager? Oh, well go on then.
MISTAKE.
It's sedimenty, so requires careful decanting from bottle to glass. It's lifeless, has an overpowering lemony finish - a bit like lemon Fairy Liquid, I imagine, not that I drink a lot of that - and is more bitter than any bitter I've ever had. Stirring up a bit of sediment takes the edge off a bit and at least allowed me to get it down, but it was not a pleasant experience.
It introduced me to a sensation that I've not had since I first tried Carlsberg - a beer I don't actually like. Hang on, that may not be true, as wheat beers really don't agree with me. Either way, you get my point.
Instead, I turned to the Americas. Having tried Quilmes in vast quantities and Cusqueña less so, it's to the socialist idyll of Cuba that I turned and Cristal. Like the Argentine and Peruvian beers aforementioned, it's a session beer. Crisp, light, clean and very, very drinkable it's an excellent session beer as my usual Quilmes is also, though it comes in a very left wing 350ml bottle, presumably to annoy the capitalist pigs and their fridges only designed for 330ml. Fairly unremarkable, but up against Goldilocks, that's more than enough to make it beer of the week.

G-rumble

2008-06-04T15:13:00.003Z

What is the point of those rumble strips either side of villages on main roads? I'm sure you know the thing. The only point of the ones on the way in to a village or other demarked potential accident blackspot is to warn blind drivers of the imminent change in speed limit or proximity to crossroads. The ones on the way out...? Perhaps to say "you've just passed somewhere. You're a bit further past it now. Now you're really past it. Bye-ee".

Rules of cinema #4

2008-05-31T06:20:00.002Z

Nobody can work out how it is that Martin Lawrence has ever made more than two films.

Rules of cinema #3

2008-05-26T13:11:00.002Z

No matter how often you refresh the Odeon's listings page, there's still only going to be a load of crap on.
Today we have:
Iron Man - no thanks.
What Happens In Vegas - shudder at the thought and see rule #1 re Ashton Kutcher.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall - make it stop.
Nim's Island - Jodie Foster ain't funny.
Speed Racer - the lead character's first name is Speed. And his surname is Racer.
Grindhouse - maybe.
Indiana Jones and the thingy of the wotsit - unnecessary.
Sex And The City - you're kidding, right?
The Spiderwick Chronicles - seen the trailer. All I need to know.

Pub then?

Redress

2008-05-26T12:41:00.003Z

I have been a bit mean to Hull on here in the past, but a couple of bank holidays ago, I and my better half went for a visit. No it's not a normal thing to do, but there was something approaching a point to it, namely the fish walk. Yes, you read right. The fish walk. All over the old town - the bit that is actually quite nice - there are fish. Some are chiselled out of the paving, some are plinth type things, some are metal shapes sunk into the floor, such as these eels.

And when you've completed the walk, you get a certificate! I think this is the first certificate I've received since I managed, for one time only, to swim 25 metres without requiring assistance.

Having completed the fish walk, we set about the ale trail. Well, we sort of combined the two, being the freeform jazzists we are, stopping off at a variety of watering holes along the route. One bar that wasn't on the aforementioned trail was one of these horrid places like Flares only not Flares; Retro it was. How retro is Retro, I thought to myself. Do they close between 3 and 7 and turf you out at half ten? Can you get a Watney's Red Barrel or a Double Diamond? If not, then retro it ain't. And then we were in a pub later on that did turf out at 3pm. Bizarre.
Among the usual godforsaken dross you can find in any town or city across the country, there are some cracking wee pubs in the city like the White Hart, an Edwardian listed building with a massive rosewood bar and all the original fittings - Doulton's, apparently.

It's a bit off the beaten track, but it's a good venue with, for Hull, a decent range. That's the main problem in the city: not many places offer you anything above standard fayre, beer-wise. Stella's about as exotic as it gets in most places.
Other places rely on their claims to fame for notoriety. The George Hotel on The Land Of Green Ginger is onesuch. It's a real ale place and they do a lovely Yorkshire Terrier - a nutty, oaky brew with a rich head and a lovely bitter finish - it's all very well appointed inside. But the real attraction is outside where you can see England's smallest window.

Wow! All of which begs the question where Britain's smallest window is.
So that's Hull. Don't judge it by Bransholme alone. Sure it's not a pretty place, but if you scratch the surface, it ain't all bad. The old town is quite lovely.

Accentuate the positive

2008-05-26T12:07:00.004Z

I've never been a fan of negative campaigning, which is why Labour's entirely predictable bye-election defeat in Crewe and Nantwich doesn't disappoint me greatly - not as greatly as it probably ought to anyway. They went negative, always a sign of a party in trouble, focusing on the background of the Tory candidate and making a shameful play on immigration rather than anything positive, and paid the price. Having said that, what positives are there for Labour to concern themselves with right now? By contrast, the Conservatives didn't really have to do anything. They're reaping the rewards of a government in serious strife and the malaise could quite easily continue until the next general election when the Conservatives may, again, have to do nothing more than smile sweetly and point out that they're not Labour.
Part of me thinks a term of Conservative rule might not be a bad thing, but it passes after a moment. At some point they'll have to actually put a policy on the table and that's where it will hopefully go wrong for them.

Similarly, Hillary Clinton's campaign for the Democratic nomination is a negative affair. Resorting to the politics of fear and, again, a shameful play of the race card, it's probably time for the party elders to put her out of my misery.

Rules of cinema #2 - addendum

2008-05-26T08:45:00.002Z

Another film completely unnecessarily remade was The Wicker Man. Moreover, the remake featured Nicolas Cage, so I refer you to rule #1 as well.
It ain't big and it ain't clever remaking The Wicker Man. However it is both big and clever to use your nephew's (aged 4) building blocks to build a wicker man and put a policeman inside. Hence:

Dear bloke in the current Halifax ad

2008-05-25T09:01:00.002Z

No, not that Howard feller. The wee lad that sings the latest one. "Woke up this morning feeling fine" did you? Until you caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and a little piece of you died inside and you began to sob uncontrollably, I'd wager.
Moreover, there have been many things that have blown people's mind. The horror of war, single-minded pursuit of the unobtainable, that kind of thing. Not a current account though.

Now turn it in.

regs
John

Rules of cinema #2

2008-05-25T08:58:00.003Z

Some films do not need remaking; especially, though not exclusively, Japanese horror flicks. Particular horrors include Get Carter, The Italian Job, 36, Guess Who's Coming To Dinner (though see Rule of cinema #1 for other reasons why, giving particular reference to Ashton Kutcher). There are many more of course. I'd even say that The Departed was completely unnecessary given the brilliance of Infernal Affairs.
Read a subtitle and shun these cheap reproductions.

21st century proverbs

2008-05-19T10:04:00.000Z

Shaved head and beard;
look a bit weird.

Hiatus

2008-05-03T20:19:00.000Z

Back soon

Stewart Lee

2008-04-18T18:12:00.002Z

Went to see Stewart Lee at the theatre yesterday and had a jolly good time. He was supported by Henning Venn, who was good but lays on the German stereotyping too much. He's good enough to do without and he's probably well enough known now to do material that doesn't keep referring to the Second World War.
Lee himself isn't a typical stand-up. His delivery is pretty unique and his collaborations with Richard Herring provide a counterpoint to that. On his own, it's something of an acquired taste - fortunately one that I have acquired, hence me enjoying the evening.

Not part of last night's show, but fairly typical:

Hands up if you dropped a ladder on your foot today

2008-04-17T17:51:00.001Z

Just me then?

Ouch, by the way.

Different home secretary, same old drivel

2008-04-16T20:14:00.003Z

Having failed miserably to make anything like a case for the extension of detention without charge, Jacqui Smith still won't let it go. Today it's 300 police jobs to target radicalisation. Apparently we can't "arrest our way out", but we can presumably inter our way out.
Figures that Smith keeps leaning on to back up her bizarre stance don't seem to be increasing, but that doesn't matter as she's settled on 42 and no amount of logic or argument will sway her. The threat to Britain, we are told, absolutely requires 42 days. Is the threat really 21 times worse here than in America or 42 times that in Canada? We already have the most draconian and police-friendly rules on this of any nation anywhere.
Frankly, this announcement - putting aside the controversy over the timing, which Chris Huhne has nailed - seems designed to do just one thing: ramp up the fear to try and force a consensus.

86-year old man has chest infection

2008-04-06T09:44:00.000Z

Not news

Zimbabwe: What happens next

2008-04-06T09:32:00.004Z

It's now eight days since Zimbabwe went to the polls in parliamentary and presidential elections. With the opposition MDC having gained control of the lower house, we're still waiting for the presidential results. Can it be, as seems utterly reasonable, that the vote against Mugabe was so overwhelming that even the full weight of his electoral rigging machine can only put him into a close second and engineer a run-off?
So what does happen next? Well, Morgan Tsvangirai - opposition leader - has staked his claim that he is the winner and by a margin sufficient to avoid a run-off. Zanu-PF seem ready to accept a run-off, which to me says that if and when that offer is accepted, the full weight of the vote rigging, ballot stuffing, voter intimidating machine will swing into action, and the recent mobilisation of troops seems to back that theory up.
Worrying times.

Beer of the week

2008-03-30T10:44:00.002Z

An interesting one. Sam Smith's reputation with lager isn't great. Alpine Lager is a bit bland and Ayingerbrau is pure and simple loopy juice. Hence it was with trepidation that I tried their Organic Lager and with great surprise that it passes muster. It's a light, refreshing brew with a flowery hint in the after-taste, which marks it as a lager made by a bitterman, but it's none the worse for that. It's not especially strong, making it handy for a session and certainly one that I'll be going back to.

The excitement

2008-03-29T09:19:00.003Z

Yesterday being the occasion of an arbitrary anniversary of my birth (odd, not prime, less than 50, greater than 21) and on perusal of the eclectic offerings of Action Records of Preston, it has come to pass that I've pre-ordered the new Half Man Half Biscuit long player CSI Ambleside. Bleedin' marvellous. It'll be a happy day when it arrives in about a month.

I've been edited

2008-03-24T22:24:00.002Z

My most recent assignment for York City was a league game away at Rushden. It was rubbish. So rubbish, that I felt the need to do something... different for the match report. The published version is here. Below is what I actually wrote.

The morning snow had cleared in the bright sunshine as he set off for Northamptonshire on a Saturday morning. Yesterday was the first day of spring, but had brought with it Arctic conditions. 'Spring my backside', he thought as his small French diesel coughed itself into life. Indeed, so cold was it, he wondered if the melting snow would freeze and prompt a postponement.

Stopping for fuel a mile or so from home, he winced as the meter ticked well past the £50 mark, once the young assistant in the shop had realised that she needed press a button to activate the pump. There would be no way he could claim this one back as work mileage. The wind bit as he stood pouring litre after litre of almost priceless DERV oil into the tank of the car. He felt sure there had to be leak somewhere. A car this small simply couldn't take this much filling. He wasn't convinced about the oil levels either as the gears made a crunching sound eerily reminiscent of the noise his right knee makes ever since he wrecked the ACL a few years ago. This car was falling apart more rapidly than his less-than-prime physique.

He'd once promised never to buy another French motor, so why he'd ended up with this is a mystery to all. They're nothing but trouble. Italian cars are the same in his experience. The only link he can find is wine. France and Italy: great wine, rubbish cars. Germany and Japan: awful wine, great cars. It makes sense when you think about it. He likes France and the French, he'd had many a happy holiday down in the south as a child, but swore a terrible vengeance on anyone who had played any part in bolting this shed of a car together.

Nevertheless, he turned for the M1 and the car only complained a little, though the rattle from beneath the bonnet required a much better radio than the one he has. Indeed, he struggled to hear the Premiership team news, not that he's particularly interested, but hearing another human voice at least keeps his mind active above the constant drone as the small car struggles to maintain a steady 68 on the motorway. Every mile and a half seemed to bring a change in the weather: bright sunshine, snow showers, heavy rain, back to sunshine. His cheap supermarket shades were on and off as often as the 'Cletus loves Brandine' sticker on an indecisive redneck's pickup truck. The one constant was the wind that buffeted the car around and forced him to concentrate hard on just keeping it in a straight line. In fact, he almost missed the turn-off for the A14.

45 minutes into the match, he wished he had done. It was all Rushden and any time the ball was cleared up to the front two - Richard Brodie and Onome Sodje this week with Martyn Woolford dropping into midfield to cover the absence of the injured Nicky Wroe - it was coming back just as quickly. And yet Rushden couldn't carve out any clear-cut openings despite dominating possession. Mark Robinson cleared off the line early from Charles Ademeno. The sense of gloom only deepened when Darren Kelly limped out of the game to be replaced by Darren Craddock. Ademeno and Jon Challinor were running the City rearguard ragged and only a wayward Woolford shot provided any respite.

Perhaps he was mistaken in wishing he was elsewhere as the wind swirled around Nene Park and the intermittent snow storms lashed this outpost of Midlands football, he thought when, early in the second half, Ben Purkiss swung in a lovely cross that Brodie met on the run to score a goal that looked as unlikely as Boris Johnson standing for the Liverpool mayorship. The relief was palpable, but quickly dispelled when Rushden hit back through their skipper Chris Hope who had a free header at the back post from a Marcus Kelly free-kick.

And that was that really as the game reverted to type. Rushden huffed and puffed as City chased shadows. A switch to 4-4-2 made little difference, although Simon Rusk limping off with a knee injury made it an expensive draw. It could have been worse as Brodie clashed with Challinor off the ball, the Rushden front man left prostrate on the floor and seemingly complaining about a stray elbow. That it was a draw was thanks in no small part to Hope failing to hit the target when he was again left free in the box with only seconds of stoppage time remaining.

With coat collars turned up against the bitter wind, he headed back to his car, desperately hoping that the heater that had provided little more than a comforting breeze on the way down had enough juice in it to thaw out his hands enough for him to be able to grip the wheel. Heading back north, he had time to reflect that sometimes you just had to accept that football is like that and every club is going to have a game where it just doesn't happen. City haven't had many lately, presumably why he was so disappointed by this one.

The teams:
CITY: Evans; Parslow, McGurk, Kelly (Craddock 15); Purkiss, Elliott, Woolford, Rusk (Lloyd 89), Robinson (Panther 79); Brodie, Sodje.
Subs not used: Mimms, Fortune-West.
Goals: Brodie (54).
Booked: none.

RUSHDEN: Roberts; Osano, Hope, Corcoran, Howell; Burgess, Shaw, Woodhouse, Kelly (El Kholti 74); Challinor (Platt 84), Ademeno (Rankine 69).
Subs not used: Gulliver, Gooding.
Goals: Hope (60)
Booked: none.

Ref: R Whitton
Attn: 1423 (incl 140 away supporters)

Beer of the week

2008-03-24T00:16:00.005Z

In #1 of a (hopefully) recurring series, this week's beer review is of Kwak.
Yes, that's right. Kwak.
I'd shied away from Kwak because of it's intimidating drinking ritual and the sheer comedy of the name. Yet, today, uninhibited by fear or, indeed, comedy Kwak was ordered.
I didn't realise it's strength. 8.4% marks it out as a reasonably strong beer. It's colour also belies it's scent - rich, dark, malty - and that also sums up the flavour. A dark, Belgian, top-fermented beer, there's no real kick to it which one may expect with a >7% beer.
It's no session beer - it would render you incapable after a few swiftly supped bottles - but it's perfect for a post-dinner drink to cleanse the pallet or to sup quietly to the soft jazz tones of the house band or even for a lazy Sunday afternoon with the papers and sod all else to do. Actually, it would probably go well with fish too.

Grand Slam Sunday

2008-03-23T13:20:00.002Z

It's not Easter in Sky Sports world. No, it's Grand Slam Sunday, a hopelessly contrived anomaly in a fixture calendar when the top four sides play each other on the same day. If you have seen any Sky channel in the last four months, you can hardly have failed to notice the hopeless hype that precedes this afternoon's 2-0 win for Manchester United over Liverpool and the 1-1 draw between Arsenal and Chelsea.
It's the hype that bothers me and can think of no better way to point it's ridiculousness than this:

New uses for old words

2008-03-12T19:38:00.001Z

posthumous adj. After eating hummus

Inventing words

2008-03-01T22:01:00.002Z

amauteur n A person who thinks their crappy YouTube clip deserves consideration alongside the likes of Fellini, Lynch, Bertolucci, Bergman, Loach, Cronenberg etc etc etc.

mannaries n Man tits.

Pub signs

2008-03-01T21:31:00.005Z

Pub signs, like pub names, are great. Indeed, I'd gladly support a motion to ban the changing of pub names and signs, albeit with amendments to alter any changed names/signs back to the original and to set up an approval committee for new pubs. There's one in Hull that really got my goat this week. Formerly the Humber Pilot, it not a nice place. The name refers to a fleet of boats that guide others through the treacherous and very busy Humber shipping lanes. It's now not only been renamed The Pilot, which in itself isn't a massive problem, but the sign has been changed from a boat to a pilot, as in aircraft, riding roughshod over any local reference.

Anyway, in Cambridge this afternoon, I spied this sign. The gayest pub sign in Britain (if not the world)? If you know any better, please fill us in (ooh matron).

(you may need to click on the image and enlarge it to see it in it's full homo-erotic glory)

Rules of cinema #1

2008-02-29T20:35:00.003Z

If Jason Statham* is in it, it's got a greater than 98% chance of being a shit film.

* - See also Ben Affleck, Nicolas Cage and one or two others.

What?

2008-02-25T22:04:00.004Z

Recent trips to the cinema (yes, No Country For Old Men is that good, but it takes a while for you to work out why that is so and Ellen Page was robbed in the best actress category at last night's Oscars) have seen us sit through the same set of adverts a number of times. I have a problem with the ad for the newly revamped Fiat 500. The strapline is 'you are. we car'.
What does that even mean?

Anyway, with the trend for updates of classics we've seen relaunched Minis, VW Beetles and the 500. This leaves just one. When will Citroen bring out a new 2CV?

EDIT: Oh.

Couldn't-make-it-up corner

2008-02-25T21:50:00.003Z

Today I was working in Hull. I visited a Mr Codd.

Puerile

2008-02-25T21:37:00.004Z

After the fun of a 4th birthday party, debunking to the pub seemed a good idea. After a world tour of beer - first six drinks all from different continents, but couldn't find an Antarctic beer for some reason - including some Belgian Trappist monk type thingy, my sense of humour descends to the level of the puerile. Hence:

Colonel Urquart would no doubt approve.

My niece

2008-02-25T21:34:00.003Z

Looking more like her great-grandmother every day, may I present my niece Matilda.

Taken at her big brother's 4th birthday party.

Defining Britishness

2008-02-23T22:00:00.004Z

A debate raged for, literally, minutes on the radio the other day. Whose music defines Britain and Britishness more: Vaughan Williams or Edward Elgar. Oh, the agony of choice. The answer is, of course, neither. It's Half Man Half Biscuit.

A gift

2008-02-23T21:59:00.001Z

A present for the shareholders of Northern Rock:

It's the moon on a stick, clearly something they've been after. The risks are made clear well before anyone invests in stocks and shares. Like the Railtrack shareholders before them, Northern Rock investors can go whistle.

'Can we play you every week?'

2008-02-17T11:07:00.002Z

So goes the popular chant at sporting events, as heard yesterday as York capitulated meekly against John Beck's Histon side - yes, that John Beck, and he still plays the same brand of hoof-it-forward-quick 'football'.
This annoys me, not just when opposition fans sing it about a team I support, but at all times. "No you can't play us every week", I want to sing back, "for that would make a mockery of the whole League system", but I've not found a tune that fits.

The only place it's appropriate is the Scilly Isles, but I bet it gets a bit tedious signing that at one another after the fifth round of league fixtures.

There's nothing more right wing than...

2008-02-17T10:11:00.004Z

...a radio phone in. It doesn't even have to be the hateful John Gaunt in the chair for this maxim to be true. Whilst doing my rounds, I tend to listen to Radio 5 once the Today programme is finished, and one caller seriously suggested that bringing back public stoning was the best way to curb the excesses of modern youth.
Moreover, since when was it taken as fact that 'the youth' are such a problem? Surely, as Barbara Ellen in today's Observer points out, it's the crime factor that's the issue at stake, not the youth. The only other grouping together of crime in such a way that I can think of is 'blue collar' crime. Not much gets written about high-level shady financial dealings, even though it costs the average Joe a hell of a lot more than most other criminal activities, presumably because it doesn't generate such easy headlines as a teenager running amok might.

Unlikely headliner

2008-02-10T10:10:00.001Z

Among the acts to top the bill at this year's Glastonbury festival, few expected to see Leonard Cohen among them. It's part of his first tour in about 15 years and out of necessity since he got ripped off.

It's a bit of a typically Glastonbury mix of performers, not that I'll be off of course. All that mud and students. Still, CSS are pretty good too.

Viva Cas Vegas

2008-02-10T01:33:00.000Z

Going back to what I was saying about shitholes, today I was in Castleford. Unlike Harrogate, this place is quite obviously and unashamedly a shithole. One of only two places I've ever been anti-Semitically abused as well.
One lovely chap tried to set light to our Catalan flag. Nice of him, especially as it was being held by a trio of the most pleasant and polite local young lads who wanted to join us in our support for the Dragons. We won, incidentally. Not by being better than the home side. Good lord no. Instead, it was because we're 'cheating French bastards', at least according to a healthy number of local yokels.

The fair was in town as well. This got me to thinking. Is this the Cas version of the work-based diploma? Or is Cas the town where the fair goes when it's not polluting some other part of the country?

The ballad of Danny Allinson

2008-02-08T23:04:00.000Z

Thanks to Jerry Chicken for this. I have the dubious honour of writing a meme with a difference. It's for someone made up. Made up, more specifically, by me.
The rules:

Introduce us to your character
post the rules on your blog
share six non-important things/ habits/ quirks about the fictional character
tag at least 3 people at the end of the post and link to their blogs
let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog
link to the person who tagged you

So here goes:

The day always started like this. He never intended it to, but it always did. Let's face it, All-Bran tastes like shit - he wouldn't even give the budgie that crap - and the well-intentioned cup of tea just never seemed as appealing as the four-pack of cheap unbranded lager from the local offy. And so Danny Allinson cracked open his first can of the day. It was half past eight.

It wasn't always like this. The faded poster on the wall of the bedsit spoke of a British heavyweight title fight. He was 23 at the time, four years a pro, but it was a step too far and too soon. His opponent that night, Carl Lonergan, was nearly ten years his senior with twice the number of fights under his belt and gave him the mother of all beatings. Sure, Danny had tried to come back, but he was always 'that lad that got his head woven into the canvas against Lonergan'. After that, he was just a stepping stone for any other young fighter on the way up. He wanted to advise them, let them know what they were getting into. Tell them not to go anywhere near his manager when they'd beaten him.

His manager, Alan Crossley, was a grade A twat. Said he'd put all his prize money in a trust fund. What the fuck did Danny know about trust funds? Apart from the lack of trust that is, which he found out when Crossley legged it to Barmouth with the whole lot, leaving Danny penniless. He'd had an aversion to Wales since then.

He'd squeaked out a living on the doors in town, but once people got to know who he was, they'd all fancy a crack at him after ten pints. "Take him on his left Dave", he'd heard one bloke say. "He always drops his left, that's how Lonergan got him". The fury washed over him and seven months in Armley for ABH was the result. That was his door security career finished.

The benefits paid for the bedsit, a few cans of beer and the occasional packet of Old Holborn. He wasn't a big smoker, never had been, but a roll-up once in a while took the edge off that first drink of the day. Now and then, he'd have enough for some millet for the budgie. He could never work out how he came by that thing. Pointless bloody bird. He'd called it Adam Faith. It was his idea of irony.

The loss of the money was the start of it - the drinking. By that time, his legs had gone. He was no use as a fighter any more, not that he wanted to carry on. He'd had enough years before, but just kept going. One more. Just one more. It became a mantra to him, he'd said it so often to the wife. The wife... There's another story. Once the gravy train had stopped calling at Allinson Junction, she'd soon buggered off. She took the boy. No idea where he is now. Probably university age these days. Danny would have liked university. A different crowd to the lowlives he mixed with at that age. And he was smart, but that didn't matter much when his dad got ill. Money. That was what mattered and Danny knew that a lad who could punch could earn some, much more than the coal board were going to cough up. That was his dad's pun.

"Bugger this", he said to Adam Faith, swilling down the dregs of the can and heading for the bookies. Two hours and four races later, he'd done all his remaining money and was back within the four walls of the bedsit. He was sick in the sink. Grab another can. That should take the taste away. "How the fuck did this happen?". Adam Faith didn't reply, merely headbutting the small mirror Danny had found round by the chippy. "I looked after meself" Danny continued, scarcely noticing Adam Faith's indifference. "I liked school. I getting good marks until... well, you know". Adam Faith didn't know, or if he did, he wasn't letting on. Danny threw the can across the room. "It's all that bastard's fault!" he yelled. He could hear them downstairs, perturbed by the noise.

He went next door. Little Marco was about the closest thing he had to a friend. Marco was six and loved Adam Faith - the bird, that is - and would pop round sometimes to see him. "Look after him Marco", Danny told the young lad as he handed the cage over. He went back to the flat. He packed a bag. A change of clothes, a train timetable, an emergency can of lager and his dad's old hunting knife - the only thing he'd left Danny.

Tomorrow wouldn't start the same way. Tomorrow, he was off to Barmouth.

-----------------------

Was that six? I think so. I'll have to have a think about who to pass it on to.

The rugby starts today!

2008-02-02T10:48:00.000Z

Huzzah! The rugby is back. It's been over the papers all week with special supplements and page after page dedicated to it.

Except it hasn't. This must be the lowest key launch of Super League of all time and whoever decided the date of today - the same date as that 6 nations bollocks starts - wants a slap. As does the person who decided that Leeds must start a week before anyone else. This is due to their participation in the World Club Challenge later in the month. What should happen is that everybody kicks off on the same day, giving us a proper launch and the World Club Challenge can have a blank weekend so that the whole Rugby League community can concentrate on what should be the biggest club game going, but is always treated as a bit of an afterthought.

Everything will be different when I'm in charge.

Still, at least The Guardian is giving Hull KR and Papua New Guinea legend-of-indeterminate-age Stanley Gene the kudos he is due.