Friday, October 04, 2013

How do you feel?

How do you feel?

It's a simple enough question.

What I want to say is;
I ache.
Not physically, but every time I think, it hurts.
I feel empty.
I've nothing left to give.
My self-confidence is shot to bits.
I constantly question my own abilities in all walks of life.
I haven't slept properly in months, maybe years.
Going outside is scary.
People bother me.
Some days I wake up with a crushing sensation in my chest, pinning me down in bed.
I fly off the handle at the smallest thing, sometimes at nothing.
What I portray as sarcasm is often the bitterness I actually feel within.
I can't concentrate.
Can't focus.
Tasks which used to be simple aren't any more.
I want to kick things
Because anger is all I've got now
And violence is the only way I can think to express it.
My attention span has reduced to...
Nothing makes me happy any more.
Things I used to do for fun bore me, feel like chores.
I've no drive, no enthusiasm, no energy.
I hate getting older.
I hate being me.
I hate everything.
I feel so alone, even in a big group of people,
Even surrounded by people who I know care about me.
I want to run away, hide and cry.
And I know it's irrational - that's the most frustrating thing.
I know it becomes self-fulfilling,
That believing it will get worse will ensure that it does.
And I can't stop it,
Can't just switch it off and back on again.

But that's a bit much, so instead I reply;
I'm OK - just a bit tired.

No comments: