Wednesday, July 25, 2007


...there's a record which has been at number 1 on the Hit Parade for 10 weeks now.
I have never heard it.
I hope to maintain this record (no pun intended. Honest).

You want a reason? Well if it's anything like the rest of the stuff the misspelled, weedy-voiced Rihanna (surely that should be Rhianna? Am I wrong? Going mad? In a coma?) has ever inflicted on the pop-buying public, it'll be shit.

Double detention

28 days is not enough, apparently. That six people have gone up to 27 days apparently makes it imperative that we go to 56 days.
Work expands to fill the available time. 14, 28, 56 - whatever the limit, there will be cases where it's drawn out to the fullest extent. And presumably the first time anything approaches 56 days, we bring 90 days back to the table. What is required is a well-thought-out plan based on evidence from a number of sources - not just the police - instead of arbitrarily plucking numbers out of the air and turning that into a policy. However, with such a weak opposition it's likely that whatever proposal is finally put forward will go through without a significant back-bench rebellion. Whether the hunger for such a rebellion is there so early into Brown's premiership, I very much doubt.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Dear football clubs

If you are hosting Portsmouth in a game, or if you are Portsmouth FC, please take the bell off that twunt who insists on ringing it all the way through the 90 minutes. I've just seen the second half of a Portsmouth pre-season friendly from bleedin' China and there he was, ringing his bloody bell. And now it's all I can hear. He's given me tinnitus, the scurvy knave.


Dear RAC

You have until my renewal is due to get rid of Vinny Jones from your advertising campaigns.


Confucius say... house on flood plain and carpet will get wet.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Poncy Leeds

Worrying news. There's a 'gourmet chippy' in Leeds. That in itself would be bad enough, but this place is charging £2 a portion for scraps. Bloody scraps! For two quid!
There are rules about fish and chips and one of them is it that it's simple. Another is that it's cheap. And scraps are just that - scraps - and charging for them is a bloody cheek. If it's fish and chips you want, get to a local chippy, not some poncy-arsed rip-off merchants. It's akin to the curry house designed for whitey, with all it's cutlery and tablecloths and subservient waiters. You watch - this fish and chip place will have staff with faux-northern accents to make the clientele thinking they're in proper Yorkshire, something which Leeds is rapidly extricating itself from.
And I bet they don't do cannonballs.

Monday, July 16, 2007

The big question

According to the front cover of the copy of Top Gear magazine someone left in kitchen area at work, the big question, the question that's burning everybody up inside, the question that has to have an answer before we all die of anticipation, is "Aston or Porsche?"
No it bloody isn't. Why are we here? That's a bigger one. So is "what's the point of Dan Brown novels?". And even if we're just going for car-related questions, a much bigger one for me is "do I get that squeak in the suspension looked at or what?", and if that's a 'yes', the big question would become "this is going to be expensive, right?".

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Thieving gitwizard

A message on the answerphone this morning. Could I call my chosen banking provider's special investigations unit? Of course I could. Some transactions were a bit suspect and they wanted to check them with me. Some thieving gitwizard of a schnorrer has been using a card that purports to be mine down south. "There's a transaction here at Tesco in Lewisham for £50" said the most helpful and pleasant lass on the phone. I don't go to Tesco and I've never been to Lewisham, so that ain't me. There are a few other transactions in that London on occasions that I wasn't there. It amounts to about £110, which I will get back.
The main thing, though, was a transaction at Goldsmith's in London for £3500. It was declined, unsurprising as I don't have that much in the account - memo to the thieving schnorrer, pick on someone who actually has some cash next time - and flagged up on that account. It could quite as easily have been flagged up because shopping at Goldsmith's..??? Give me some credit.
Anyway, all sorted now. Enjoy your completely worthless bit of plastic, you extraordinary turd.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Dear newspaper/magazine editors

When wishing to describe how someone from that cultural wilderness you call 'the North' says the word 'fucking', just type the word 'fucking'. It is not pronounced 'fooking'. Not now, not ever. Just because you tossers down south can't pronounce 'fucking' as 'fucking' does not mean that we can't.
Facking cants.


The names change, but the script remains the same

In a Sky News interview yesterday, our new glorious leader Gordon Brown said the following:
"We do now need more information flowing internationally about who are potential terrorists and who are potential suspects".

If he'd not uttered the final five words of that sentence I don't think anybody could quibble, but 'potential suspects'? That would be every person currently drawing breath.

Tagged again - 5 things I dig about Jesus

Thanks a bundle to Jerry Chicken for his kind efforts in tagging me with this task; to inform you, dear reader, of five things I dig about Jesus. This is going to be tough.

1 - I really dig the way he's personally responsible for many achievements in film, sport etc, or at least that's the impression one gets from listening to award acceptance speeches. Not for an Oscar winner is it enough to thank the people who have done the work to get the recipient into a position where they might win, oh no. It wasn't the gaffer, best boy or dolly grip - it was someone who died over 2000 years ago. If I remember correctly, that was many years before cinema.

2 - I dig the way he's always portrayed as being very white for a Palestinian. Well, not dig perhaps, more despair.

I'm struggling already, being the godless commie scum that I am.....

3 - I dig the way that nobody in this country would dare name their child 'Jesus', despite it being a perfectly acceptable name. That said, an acquaintance of my sister in-law named her child 'Mohammad' because she thought it was a cool name. So somewhere there's a pasty-white, ginger-haired Irish kid called Mohammad O'Brien.

4 - I dig the way that you can end a lot of conversations by bringing Jesus into it like "Interesting. Now; how would Jesus react to that?" or end sentences with "and that's like Jesus". Obviously this doesn't work with Jehovah's Witnesses. I think Marx is a better bet with that lot. Karl that is, not Groucho. Although now I think about it.....

5 - I dig the way that after his ill-fated fight against Leavander Johnson, Jesus Chávez was encouraged by Johnson's family to continue boxing and not blame himself for Johnson's death. He has fought again - just the once though and that was a loss against Julio Diaz back in February. That's only the fourth loss on his record, but the second in quick succession and his career, while not over, remains in the balance. Boxing's an ugly sport at times and whatever the Johnson family say to appease his conscience, Chávez will always have Leavander Johnson on his mind and that's a terrible burden for anyone to bear.

That was a struggle. I suppose the time-honoured tradition is now to pass it to someone else. Like Gary, I'll just send it to my default person: Asim.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

How much?

One of those adverts for IT training courses has just been on. Apparently the average salary in IT is £37k pa. Is it? Who's got the rest of mine?
Not only that, it's a shit business. I'm working hard to get out. It's mind-numbing. Don't do it.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Notes on the smoking ban - day 4

It's early days to judge the impact of the ban on smoking in pubs, especially in Huddersfield where the large student population has, largely, gone for a time. But some things are noticeable.
1 - Having a drink yesterday whilst deciding where to eat, the smell of one chap's fish dinner managed to permeate all four rooms of the pub.
2 - The smell of smoke when someone comes back in having nipped out for a fag is decidedly more noticeable.

I'm sure there'll be more to follow.

Falling flat

Leeds has changed a lot lately. It's gone upwards. Lots of new buildings comprising lots of flats have been built on the sites of old warehouses and the like. The skyline is now puckered by tall buildings with nobody living in them. Hence, this report doesn't surprise me.
And yet more are planned. There was a regional show on the BBC with Linda Barker (she of ubiquitous adverts a few years back) banging on about the regeneration of Bradford and comparing that to what's happening in Leeds. And she totally missed the point.
The recently opened Bridgewater Place is currently the tallest building in Leeds and comprises a large number of flats. Barker showed us the inside of one of these, and your 200 grand or whatever doesn't buy you much space. Plans are afoot for a building twice that size, cringeingly described as a 'vertical village'. At 52 stories, that's a lot of flats with no identifiable group to buy them.
Also mentioned were plans to build on the site of the international pool in Leeds. The chaps responsible for 'The Gherkin' in London are undertaking this project. They described this building, The Spiracle, in the usual terms of being iconic and that. They showed us a model. They explained that the wind turbine was predicted to supply more than enough power for the building itself, but could also return some to the National Grid. But at no point was it mentioned who had asked for this or what it was for. And therein lies the problem. The maxim of 'build it and they will come' just doesn't work. The huge number of empty offices and flats in Leeds is testament to that.
Meanwhile, Bradford is caught between two stools. Does it ape Leeds or does it do something different - complementary even. The plan, however, appears to be to flood half of the city centre to create some hideous water feature. This has been planned for ages though and nothing ever seems to happen apart from more meetings and more conceptualisation. Meanwhile, the old Odeon in Bradford is finally coming down and will be replaced by a louvred building which looks like a modern turn on the old 1960s architecture that everyone's in a rush to rip down. This featured on the aforementioned Barker show and again, for all her cooing over the plans and drawings, at no point was this building's purpose revealed, nor it's end users.

Redevelop if you must, but building for the sake of building is what created the mess in the first place. Heed history.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007


Super furry video


Can anyone tell me the fundamental differences between Davina McCall and Kate Thornton? In today's post-operative discomfort, I've had time to think about this and I'm stumped.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Dear Gap...

I like your jeans, despite your many irritating advertising campaigns. They fit well and are generally comfortable. However, please ensure your pockets can withstand a modicum of usage because, as of now, they are woefully inadequate. I reckon you owe me a few quid in lost coinage over the last x months.


Sunday, July 01, 2007

Smoke-free England

This morning England went smoke-free. So last night I went out and smoked myself silly. I'm not looking forward to the early stages of the ban as non-pub goers perhaps start going to pubs and get in the way ordering mochachocafrappacino lattés or cocktails that take half an hour to prepare.

Anyway, is it such a good thing. I mean....