Monday, March 05, 2007

Merry Christmas!

Yes it's that time again, at least according to my employers who have just sent an e-mail round asking for designs for this year's corporate e-card.

In fact, as we're getting in the festive season already, what better time to publicly unveil my christmas song? Here it is, and if there are any musicians out there wishing to collaborate on a tune, get in touch.

Once-a-year drinkers have filled up the pub.
There's a 3 hour queue to get into a club.
I just want a pint. I want to wind down.
How d'you do that when it's so packed in town?

The shops start the season in bloody September,
but the mince pies are useless by mid-November.
And if I hear Slade just one more time
I'll take up a new hobby of violent gun crime.

CHORUS:
Stuff your face. Drink. Crap paper hat.
(Merry christmas. I love you)
Can you not say you love me without buying me tat?
Lager, gin, vodka, champagne, port and beer.
(Merry christmas. I love you)
Can you not say you love me the rest of the year?

(segué into Silent Night)
Silent night. Holy night.
Game of charades ends up in a fight.
(back to main melody)

It won't snow at christmas. It'll bloody rain.
Drought warnings will follow again and again.
Your huge light displays should come with a warning
that you're contributing so much towards global warming.

Right wing press would have us think christmas is banned,
but no such conspiracy has ever been planned.
Rampant commercialism. Complete farce.
And Destiny's Child can come kiss my arse.

CHORUS

(segué into O Little Town Of Bethlehem)
O little town of Bethlehem
between two states you're tucked.
Israel says jump. The US says how high
and Palestine gets fucked.
(back to main melody)

Office party. Drink. Photocopied arses. More food.
Spending time with co-workers when you're not in the mood
to pass time with these people all through the year,
yet now you're expected to share lots of beer.

It's all over. Your liver aches. You're no longer flush.
You've feasted so much you even make Bacchus blush.
Your faux-sentimental rictus grin fades away
but it'll be back for next year's Christmas Day.

CHORUS (x2)

(fade)

FIN

Merry Christmas everybody!

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