Thursday, September 28, 2006

Cashpoint flashpoint

People of Britain; heed my call. Here follows a simple list of instructions for the use of a cashpoint, or ATM if you will.

  1. Approach cashpoint, withdrawing card on approach
  2. Introduce card to slot
  3. Having many months previously committed PIN number to memory, enter PIN
  4. Withdraw as much cash as you like WITHOUT getting a receipt
  5. Retrieve notes
  6. Leave
So very simple a procedure.
Here, by way of contrast, are several do-nots, particularly pertinent during the archetypal office lunch hour:

  1. Wait in queue
  2. When at front of queue, proceed to rummage in Pandora's Handbag for the appropriate card
  3. On locating card, return to Pandora's Handbag for the slip of paper with the relevant PIN written on it
  4. Enter PIN
  5. Realise it was the wrong slip of paper
  6. Enter PIN
  7. Realise it's the same PIN as previously and rummage once again in Pandora's Handbag for the correct slip of paper with a 4-digit number written on it
  8. Repeat as necessary until PIN accepted
  9. Check balance
  10. Get a receipt for checking the balance
  11. Repeat steps 3-9
  12. Extract smallest currency machine able to dispense
  13. Get receipt
  14. Check receipt
  15. Return all the paraphernalia required to perform previous steps to Pandora's Handbag
  16. Check you've not left card/receipt/medication/shoes in/on machine
  17. Leave

I'm all for new ATM protocols. Between the hours of 11:30am and 1:30pm in city centres, no receipts should be allowed to be printed, one PIN failure and your card gets swallowed, anyone wanting anything other than cash gets an electric shock of no less than 50,000V.


Gary said...

I have yet to stand behind a woman at a cashpoint who does not want to check the balances of eight credit card accounts, tut at each one, try and blame her husband for all those purchases in Body Shop, and then draw out ten pounds.

MickeyMo said...

It always amazes me how, after queuing at the checkout and putting through £97.53 worth of goods, it comes as a complete surprise to the woman concerned that she will have to pay for these; cue 5 minutes searching in handbag for an appropriate method of paying.

Anonymous said...

I would like to leave a comment, but wouldn't wish to stoop to your level.